Incoming!

This is how I break my blogging silence after 3 years of being inactive on what used to be my Tumblr; with news that not only am I dropping my website publicly for the first time, but that I am also going to be dropping a baby come Jan 2022 (should everything go according to plan—fingers crossed!)

Wild times going through something for the first time and ESPECIALLY during a pandemic in a ridiculous part of the world that has yet to get anything under control. But wow, I’m not even going to call this experience a rollercoaster—it’s more like a bullet train. It all happened so fast.

It all began with an October proposal, and a wedding that was scheduled for June (I thought 8 months was enough for Covid to blow over but boy was I WRONG). Come January, as everyone in Malaysia knows, they announced another lockdown due to crazy cases. The day after that, I found out my wedding venue burned down. Yep, you read that right. Burned down. Glazed with a flame and left with crusts of ashes on its walls (or what was left of it).

Since everything didn’t seem to be going according to plan, we decided, let’s change the plan. We brought forward the wedding to March, set up a suuuper DIY wedding in my mother’s home, got hitched and decided we’ll wait for things to really calm tf down before we even think of having a wedding party.

We had thoughts of holding off starting a family, to wait for a potential wedding party. But then I thought to myself, I’m not about to delay having a baby for a party. And also, might as well start trying now because who knows how long it’ll take to happen? Both our mums took about 5 years to conceive their first child, so that was my gauge but also I hope it wasn’t my case. I had always, ALWAYS dreamed of having a child before I turned 30. I mean, I also dreamed of being married at 24 but things don’t go according to plan. So we tried, and according to schedule (I use an app called Flo to track my ovulation and period etc.) because I’m an overachiever and there’s no “low key” try for me. It’s always “try your best” haha.

And then my period was 2 days late. SIDE NOTE: I had just stopped taking the pill for a full cycle. I was on the pill because my period is SO wonky and it always comes a week TOO early. NEVER late. So here we are, sitting on the can with an unstained underwear, 2 days past period was due. Ok, didn’t want to get too excited. Ryan and I ran over to the pharmacy to get pregnancy test kit(s). Got 3 different brands, one was a TWO pack! We looked at each other on the way back home and said to ourselves, “let’s give it 1 more day and tomorrow we can pee on the stick.”

We got home and I said, “Well if we pee on it TODAY and it’s negative, then we can move on.”

So he went to work (he was still allowed to teach at the music centre at the time), and I waited till I needed to pee.

My bladder was full, I had to pee, so I took the stick with me into the bathroom and read the instructions properly. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, wash, wipe, flush, timer on for 3 minutes. But from where I was, I could already see the dark blue cross developing, and I’m not even OFF the can yet at this point. My eyes start welling up. But I don’t want to be TOO SURE. I wait till the timer dings.

It dings.

There it is. Clear as day. The huge + sign. Right next to it it says one line not pregnant, and a cross, pregnant. Read over that 3 times. Already crying. I want to call Ryan, but I’d rather him find a pee stick in the key bowl. That’s exactly what I did.

He came home (it was the longest wait of my life, cos he specifically told me NO ONES allowed to know before him), he saw it, we jumped, we hugged, we kissed, we cried. I peed on stick number 2 to make sure. Positive.

Went to tell our parents. Came home, I peed on stick 3; also positive.

Next morning I woke up, peed on stick 4. I WANTED TO BE SURE OKAY?!

Seriously so all over the place/menggelabar, we went to the clinic to get my blood drawn to be sure. Pregnant for sure.

And that’s how we found out we got pregnant at week 4 (usually the time people miss their period. The gestational age is a complicated concept, DM me for explanation LOL). Following that was a lot of panic. I’m generally a calm person but my anxiety triggers are people or things I love, and I already had so much love for this baby even though it was the size of a poppy seed. If you’ve been pregnant before, or are planning to get pregnant, you have or will hear the terms “chemical pregnancy” or “ectopic pregnancy” and all things that will result in a positive test but not actually end up being a pregnancy. And gosh, the anxiety that comes with not being sure and having to wait WEEKS to confirm with a doctor and an ultrasound; it’s wild.

1st trimester was an emotional trip for me, especially as someone with clinical anxiety. But I’ll get into my 1st trimester stories next time. I have so much to share. And having sat here, typing, FINALLY being able to TALK about it, I can say I have truly missed this.

Thank you for all the well wishes on IG, FB and Twitter. Ryan and I are absolutely thrilled and we can’t wait to share this journey with you. Beep me if there’s anything in particular you wanna know about this and I’ll try my best! I am a first time pregnant mummy after all! I hope everyone is staying safe. We are looking forward to a safer future for everyone and also ultimately, for our child.

❤︎